How to Ruin Your Hamfest (swapmeet)

    1. Find someone that is completely unfamiliar with your state AND cannot read a map.  Then put him in charge of hamfest “talk-in”.  Your club can earn bonus points if this person drinks an entire fifth of whiskey before the doors open.
    2. If you unfortunately find that the only volunteer to run “talk-in” can actually read a map it is permissible to use this volunteer.  He must, however, be provided with maps that use names for all roads which do not match roadsigns.  For example, the hamfest is on U.S. Highway 441 and all intersection signs show 441, the “talk-in” volunteer shall only refer to this as “Range Line Road”.  The words “four fourty one” must never be uttered.

  1. The “talk-in” frequency should be included in all notices and flyers for your hamfest.  HOWEVER, the CTCSS tone frequency required for this repeater must be mis-printed.  If the correct CTCSS tone is accidentally printed, you should change the CTCSS frequency the morning of the hamfest.
  2. Determine who is the most hard-of-hearing in your club.  Have this person make the announcements on the P.A. system inside the building for hourly drawings.  During the announcements, you shall watch the reaction of the attendees; if less than half have their fingers stuck in their ears, the P.A. is much too quiet.
  3. Encourage a local radio or electronics related business to donate a dozen items for your hourly prize drawings.  Not all of these items must be given away by hourly drawing;  any donated items that are not specifically listed in the printed hamfest announcements may be kept by the hamfest chairman.
  4. Determine how many swap tables can be set up in your building; for this calculation you will allow rooom in the aisles for wheel-chairs and clusters of conversants.  Set up twice this many tables; this will cause congestion in the aisles, providing opportunities for photographs that are misleading showing huge crowds that you can use for next year’s hamfest.
  5. The hamfest must start before sunrise.  Ideally, the doors should open so early that all attendees will have to drive over the night before and sleep in the parking lot.  Under no circumstances should attendees have time for breakfast or to even drive to the event on opening day.
  6. Invite lots of vendors that sell dolls, jewelry, video games, blankets
  7. Encourage all commercial vendors to set up yellow flashing lights on their table.  The light should be exactly 5′ 9” above the ground so that it shines in everyone’s eyes.
  8. Under no circumstances should any official from your club send a thank you note to volunteers, spouses, or anyone that donated items.

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